I don't think I've ever exclusively dedicated a blog post to one guy. But I'm so disgusted by this incident, I'm doing so. This person struck a nerve because so many of my friends have recently had babies, and are battling the very real emotions from all the changes that a baby brings.
For all of the beautiful (inside and out), badass, warrior princess females that have experienced pregnancy.
Last week I "met" a guy on an online dating site. He seemed nice in messages, and was quite witty. We talked on the phone, and he didn't creep me out, so I decided to get sushi with him this past Friday. The date consisted of exchanging funny one liners, and pretty decent conversation. Before I met him, I already knew he was a bit of a gym rat, which I'm totally cool with as I'm a bit (understatement) active myself. During the date the topic of being active/healthy naturally came up in conversation. But then he started talking about his two year plan to achieve the body he wants. It wasn't that he had a long term goal that made me raise my eyebrow, it was the way he described it... it was abnormal. Leading up to the date, and then on the date while he was talking about his body goals he said as though it was his personal mantra,"do what you hate as if you love it." Call me crazy, but I'd rather do what I love... like I love it.
Anyhow, after our date I wasn't really put off by anything and was hoping to hang out with him again... although I was quite aware of his attitude towards his physique.
The next day we were texting and he asks me if I wanted kids. I answer I do and express some nervous feelings around the subject, and he said he felt the same. But he then said, "Plus I don't want me or my partner to be fat afterwards. Seen it happen." To try to better gage what he meant I stated, "Well you realize that a human being grows in a female for nine months, stretches her skin beyond recognition, causes her hair to change sometimes, her hips to widen, etc.?!"
I followed that up with sending him a picture of a female who has had a least one child, who is clearly active, fit, and healthy... but like many moms, she has loose skin on her stomach, no biggie. In my opinion I thought she looked GREAT. Describing the photo I said, "Above average stomach post baby." Honestly, given his easy going personality, I was expecting him to say something like "Yea! Good for her! She looks awesome!"
He said, "Bullshit. I've been with women who have had children and that's not what it looks like."
I'm shocked and on full WTF mode, but am still trying to give the benefit of the doubt. Thinking that maybe he's never had this explained to him before, I tell him, "You can lose weight. But you can't lose skin, or stretch marks, or bring your hips inward." His solution: "Eat clean, use cocoa butter and workout." He follows that by generously (sarcasm) saying "Not saying it's easy or happens over night but it's not always going to look like that."
Then I asked if that picture bothers him, and he answered "Slightly, yeah." I was baffled. I told him he was delusional in his expectations, and that if cocoa butter was the solution for stretch marks all of womenkind would be joyfully marinating in cocoa butter jacuzzis. In fact, I was so shocked at what he was saying that I wasn't even mad (yet). The conversation continued:
Saying he knows several women who have had children reminds me of white people who name their two black friends when racism comes up in conversation.
Then he sends me a picture of a female who tracked her post preggle weight loss with three time stamped photos. Yes, she looked terrific, and I don't want to say anything to discredit that. But I couldn't help but notice she was also the type that had a coveted thigh-gap. For most people to look like that it involves a lot of carefully measured, and incredibly bland chicken and broccoli, paired with a level of dedication at the gym that would leave you with little time for anything else - and certainly no wine.
Look. I'm 100% for people taking care of their bodies, and being healthy and active. I think it is important. But I'm not ok with someone trying to transfer their own insecurities (whether it's body dysmorphia or simply shallow and ego-driven) onto other people, especially when it's dealing with things that others have no control over (e.g. loose skin from HAVING A FREAKING BABY). It is wrong on so many levels to punish women who just sacrificed their bodies (and many other things) to produce a human... do you not think they are punishing themselves and having a hard enough time coming to terms with their new body? It is disgusting, it is pathetic, and it is disturbing to hear someone condemn someone for that.
I could tell he was getting very uncomfortable with me defending what I felt was right. I ended the conversation by telling him that I didn't think he was going to want to date me. Should he ever talk to me again, I will not be as diplomatic. I hope he gets his head right someday. What a world he is missing out on.