I had other plans for this post tonight. Really, I did. But then I stumbled upon the most asinine article that has surfaced the face of the internet since the whole "is this ugly ass dress blue or gold" debacle. It was actually quite difficult for me to take this article seriously as it was written by a man with eyebrows that ought to have a Twitter account of their very own. But it really struck a nerve. You see, it's one thing to insult me or my loved ones, but it's a whole other level of abomination when you insult hockey.
So here are my 5 counterpoints to your odious and sorry excuses to hate the sport so many of us love.
1) The Puck
You can't see the puck because you haven't taken enough time to study the game. When you're familiar with the game, you know exactly where the puck is. I say this without ever having played the sport myself. That, or those caterpillars growing out of your face may be intruding on your line of vision.
"I don't have a clue..." No, you really don't. So perhaps you should consider refraining from throwing shade towards a sport you know nothing about.
3) Brutality and boards
Hockey is one of the rawest sports out there. If you can't handle seeing some blood and casual bone breakage then I suggest you find a bridge club to participate in instead... although do be careful, I've heard some of those older ladies get quite vicious.
4) Too Fast
I was convinced that when you suggested that skates be taken away from the sport that this article was satirical. Like, I'm embarrassed for you that you even proposed such a ridiculous idea. That's like saying basketballs should be square instead of round.
5) Too Indoors
Outdoor hockey is a special thing. We do have the Winter Classic and Stadium Series. But transferring the league to be entirely outdoors is simply unrealistic. Nice try, thanks for playing.
In summary, your points have derived from ignorance. So take the time to understand hockey, or chirp about something you know about. If you choose the former, let the definition of "chirp" be your first hockey lesson.